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Completely Inappropriate Jokes




A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.


The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can't believe they
****ed my wife after only five beers!”


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Got this text from my brother recently.

It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.....
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”


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I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don't get offers
like that every day.

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Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail.
I got locked up for punching the **** out of this idiot at a party.

In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your
instincts kick in.

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My wife just came in and said, “I don't know if I am coming or going.

”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you're going – ‘cus
when you're coming, you look like a ****ing Down Syndrome kid trying
to whistle!”

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I saw a fortune teller the other day.

She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I ****ed a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?


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The missus asked me, “When you're on a boys only trip away, do you
think about me?”

.... Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn't
the right answer.
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Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black
orphans.

I said, “**** that – knowing my luck, I'd win one!”

____________________________________________________

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?

ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim
benefits, had his own ****ing bike, and wanted to go home!
 
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